On Tuesday Sciatica hit. I never had it before so it was a bit of a surprise that it is quite painful. Especially when sitting down or lying in bed. Once again, I thought that I should really invest in one of those desks where you can adjust the height so you can work sitting down or standing up. As I had a deadline, I had no choice as to work and yesterday when the pain was particularly bad, I have been so happy when I delivered the file that I felt like dancing. Only I did not because of the sciatica.
Today is much better thanks to the exercises a friend told me about. And painkillers. I guess it all comes down to me having to take it easy and listen more to my body. I am sure that is clearly the message here. I keep on pushing, pushing, pushing and sometimes I ought to be asking more for help. I really ought to. It’s the reactions to asking for help that I find so hard. Obviously if you ask for help you have to accept that the person you ask cannot help you. It may not even be meant as a mean thing, no they just don’t have the time, other plans or it’s beyond their ability. I always feel that I am asking too much. And one “no” is enough for me to not ask again in a really long while. I guess it’s me who has to learn to accept a “no” as a non-judgement on me asking for help and it’s also me that has to say “no” too.
I have this weird thing where I believe that I am the one who has to sort out everything. It’s a compulsion that if someone asks a questions on social media that I feel they are asking ME and it’s ME who has to answer. Seriously: this alone is exhausting. Combine that with my compulsion to offer unsolicited advise: That’s a full time job in itself.
And really, I want this time to do stuff that I enjoy, like baking bread, reading or occasionally to just stare into the wild nothing that surrounds me (in my head, in reality there are Edwardian terraces around me).